“It’s easier your second time around” I hear it constantly these days. “Oh it’s so much easier with the second kid because you learned what works with the first.” I honestly don’t know if that’s true… I don’t feel like I figured out what worked with my first… all I know is what didn’t work for us and what I want to be different… which of course makes me feel all kinds of mom guilt.
Asher was a scheduled c-section due to being breech. I’ve never even felt a contraction or labor. Call me crazy but I want that so bad. I want to spontaneously go into labor and have that moment where I wonder, “Is this it?”. Because of my c-section I wasn’t able to have skin to skin with Asher. I didn’t even get to hold him for about 40 minutes after he was born. Part of me blames our breastfeeding struggles on that.
Which brings me to my other hope… I want to be able to breastfeed this baby so desperately. Asher physically couldn’t latch on due to a tongue and lip tie. It caused a nursing aversion to the point he would scream and push off me when I tried to feed him. I just want to be able to nurse this baby. I want him to latch on with ease and to be able to call him a “nursing champ”. To watch his cheeks fill out and plump up from my milk, instead of watching him slowly thin out until I start supplementing as Asher did.
With Asher I slipped into the postpartum baby blues. My anxiety sky rocketed because of it. I felt this ball of anxiety and nausea every time I thought about feeding Asher. I used to dread when he woke up from naps or when feeding time drew nearer because I would start feeling physically ill. I’m dreading it this time around. Praying it was an isolated incident and not just something that will happen again because of my hormones.
I know this sounds bad. I feel a whole lot of mom guilt for putting so much stock in this little one’s birth and my postpartum period. I know neither of us have a whole lot of control in how this pans out. Obviously when it all boils down all I truly want is a healthy baby and I’m grateful that modern medicine and formula are there to help with that. However, every time I hear the “oh you got this, it’s your second time around.” I can’t help but feel more inept than ever as I look back on my first experience and pray it will be completely different.
If you’ve made it this far thanks for listening to me pour my heart out…